you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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