it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
