so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
