Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
