I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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