Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
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No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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