Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
