Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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