there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
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I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
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Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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