did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
