I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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