Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
