I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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