guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
