nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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