There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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