Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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