my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
