it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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