Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
