I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
