wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
