i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can you bring me the toilet please
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
