Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
