Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
