i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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