Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
