the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I need water and some morals
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
