At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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