Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
