we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
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Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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