I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We need to get me chipped asap
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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