my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
