just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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