whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
