Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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