Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
