at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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