Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
