I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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