Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
