ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Thank you for not boning my boss.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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