I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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