I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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