She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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