yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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