It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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