I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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