summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
