She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
