you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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