My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
