I wish I could teleport
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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