In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
