You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
