Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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